Join us as we explore the often-unspoken challenges single moms face in considering remarriage. Laura Petherbridge shares her thoughts on the societal pressures that push single parents towards remarriage and discusses the ways they can create a stable and loving home without necessarily seeking a new marriage. Her compassionate advice is rooted in biblical principles, offering a fresh perspective on issues faced by modern Christian families.
Hello, everyone. You’re listening to Family Talk, a radio broadcasting ministry of the James Dobson Family Institute. I’m Dr. James Dobson, and thank you for joining us for this program.
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Well, welcome to Family Talk, a production of the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute. I’m Roger Marsh, and today we’re concluding a powerful three-part conversation about navigating the complex dynamics of stepfamily relationships. Our guest once again is Laura Petherbridge, a true authority on this challenging topic. Having grown up with two stepmothers herself and then having become a stepmom herself, Laura brings both personal experience and professional expertise to this conversation. She’s the author of four insightful books, including the book called The Smart Stepmom. And that will be the focus of our conversation today. During the next half hour, Laura and Dr. Dobson will address the delicate relationship between children and their step-parents. They’ll also offer hope and encouragement to single moms who feel they’ve failed their children by not remarrying. Laura’s compassionate perspective might surprise you as she challenges some common assumptions about blended families. You know, remarriage has become increasingly common due to high divorce rates, and many children struggle to adjust to new parental figures in their lives. This transition can be particularly difficult when loyalties are tested and boundaries are unclear. Laura Petherbridge offers practical wisdom to help step-parents establish healthy relationships without trying to replace biological parents. Laura Petherbridge is an international speaker who frequently contributes to the Christian Broadcasting Network and Proverbs 31 Ministries. She’s also featured in the Divorce Care DVD series, which is used by 14,000 churches worldwide. Previously, Laura taught divorce recovery training at Reform Theological Seminary in Orlando, Florida. Well, there’s a wealth of wisdom ahead in this final installment of our Step Family series. So let’s join Dr. James Dobson and his guest, Laura Petherbridge, as they discuss practical advice for creating healthy step family relationships. We’ll begin with Laura expressing some key advice to stepmoms as they enter a new family.
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It’s really important that the stepmom not try to take over that mom role. Yes, she is the woman in the home. Yes, she is the mother of that home. But she needs to embrace the fact that these children already have a mom. So try very hard, as hard as it is with our female intuition and our female instincts, to not just try to take over as a woman, as a mom in the home. To let those kids… guide the direction of how the relationship is going to go. Is that what you mean by freedom? Yes, absolutely. It’s so important for a stepmom, and if she can, to even say this to the biological mom. Now, obviously, she’s going to say it to the children. I’m not your mother. I’m not going to try to be your mother. But it’s even a good idea if she can say it to the biological mom. I want you to know that I am not here to take over your role. I want to just be the best role model for your kids that I can. If I can do something that will help to bridge the gap between these two homes, please let me know what that is. There are some stepmoms right now hearing this, and they’re cracking up laughing because they’re going, there is absolutely no way I could have that kind of a conversation with my stepchildren’s mother. She won’t allow it. But, you know, sometimes over time, especially if things have gone on for a little while, it’s possible that you could have that kind of conversation with the biological mom. These are not my children. And I have to learn every circumstance is different, but I have to learn the boundaries of where my role begins and where my role stops.
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Now, that’s a little different if you have very, very young children. That’s correct. The man you married is the father of a baby. That’s correct. You probably do have to play a more active mothering role.
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And that is especially true today because one of the trends I’m seeing is more and more biological moms leaving their children. either because of an addiction, you know, they’re in rehab or there’s a reason that they’re not in the child’s life, or they’re leaving the family to go pursue, you know, another relationship or something, and they’re leaving their children. And I’m finding more and more stepmoms telling me that they are the full-time mom in particular for these younger children.
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And those children are wounded, too.
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Oh, and are they going to be when they become teenagers? And that, you know, then that’s a whole other show, but… How to parent this child and love on this child who has this deep wound of their parent walking out. So that’s a big increasing trend that I am seeing today. And it was even scarier, to be honest with you. It was more, this is not what I bargained for. I don’t want this. I love this man and he’s good to me and he’s a great guy and we got married and I made that vow. But I think I would like to get out of this. And the reason I’m saying that is because I don’t want the stepmoms that are out there that are thinking that to think they’re abnormal. It’s very normal to feel that way, that this is so much more than I thought it was going to be. I really would like to just get out of this.
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It took you about two days to figure that out.
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Yes, it was about 48 hours before I went, what have I done? I think I was so wrapped up in getting remarried and being normal again that I did. There were some warning signs, but I pretty much ignored them. Here’s the crazy thing. We stepmoms think, well, they’re over in their other home with their mom. That won’t really affect my home over here that much. It’ll only affect my home periodically on the weekends or every other weekend. And In reality, that other home dictates when I put the turkey on the Thanksgiving table. It dictates everything in my life. We call the ex-spouse the ex-wife-in-law. And we do that for a reason because that ex, whether it’s the ex-husband or the ex-wife, is a part of your family, whether you like it or not.
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And always will be.
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And always will be. If the biological parent, if the other biological parent doesn’t want you there, you show up at Joshua’s soccer game and the former spouse is throwing a fit or acting very abrasively or is doing something that’s causing tension. My suggestion to that stepparent is to politely resign. That biological parent is the one that has the relationship and the trust factor with the child. So if a stepmom or stepdad is coming in and automatically thinking they’re going to be the heavy hand disciplinarian because the other parent is not doing it, that is a mistake. For a stepmom, her levels of authority will grow and change over time. in the very beginning, maybe even the first year or two, she would be on the same level of authority as, say, a babysitter. Now, I want to say she is not a babysitter. Please don’t let anybody think I’m saying a stepmom is just a babysitter. But that same level of authority where the babysitter has the right to know you have to turn off the TV, yes, you have to go to bed, but she’s not really a parent and she’s just under the rule, really, of the biological parent. The next step would be similar to a coach or a teacher, where they have more authority in a child’s life than a babysitter would, but it’s still nowhere near apparent. The next level of authority would be like a grandparent or an aunt or an uncle. That’s a family member that has quite a bit of authority over the child, still not apparent. The goal ultimately is then that both the stepparent and the biological parent would be unified in carrying out both having parental roles. Now, this varies depending on how often the child is with them, the age of the child, what the other biological parent feels about that step-parent having a role in their life. So there’s a lot of factors. This is multifaceted. But that is just somewhat of a guideline to help a step-parent understand that they have to move through a process in a level of authority before they get to a place where the child trusts them.
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I’m Roger Marsh, and we have reached the midpoint of this classic broadcast here on Family Talk. We’ll continue hearing from Dr. Dobson and author Laura Petherbridge after this short break. With today’s Dr. Dobson Minute, here’s Dr. James Dobson.
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A tree planted in the middle of a rainforest is a beautiful thing to behold. But beneath the surface, its roots tend to be very shallow. Even a moderate wind can send it crashing to the earth. But contrast that with an old mesquite tree planted on the dry plains of Texas. Since it was a sapling, it’s lived in a hostile environment which forced it to drill its roots down deep in the earth in search of water. As a result, it can survive even the strongest winds. The same holds true for children. The ones who have learned to conquer their problems are typically stronger and more secure than those who have never had to face them. So our job as parents is not to shelter our kids from every trial and trouble, but to give them the tools they need to stand tough and tall during trying times.
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For more information, visit drdobsonminute.org. Okay, let’s get back now to this timeless broadcast on navigating the tough role of the stepparent.
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Well, Laura, there is an infinite number of circumstances that we could pose for you that are common. I mean, every family is different, as you described in the first program. And many of them seem like a one-of-a-kind problem. But in fact, it’s probably pretty common somewhere. Let me ask you this. the question that I consider to be the most important thing I could raise. We’re also talking to single moms who are out there who think that there is only one hope for them and for their children, and that’s to find somebody that loves them, is going to support them, is going to protect them, take care of them, and live the rest of their lives with them. And they don’t know the downside of doing that. They have not read your book, perhaps, and what seems like the ultimate solution is really just the beginning of a whole lot of new problems. What do you say to them? Do you recommend that that single mom go on hoping and dreaming for the knight on the white horse and that that’s going to be the answer? What do you say to this single mom?
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Well, I’m going to make a few enemies right now, but I’ll answer your question because it is such a significant and important question. Somehow in society and in the church, we have gotten this notion that a child is not going to be able to grow up whole and healthy and healed and godly unless that woman remarries. And we need to start communicating to this single mom and single dad that they can create a whole, healthy, stable home without getting remarried. That Jesus Christ is willing to come in and be that daddy that your child needs. that we don’t need to get remarried to fill that. Now, I know she’s feeling tired and harried and financially devastated probably. This is where the church, I got to say, this is where the church is failing because we should be having families in the church, men in the church, people in the church that will take a single parent under their wing and And become that umbrella and that support system so that that woman doesn’t rush off and marry someone that may be toxic. I can’t tell you how many emails I get from women saying, I thought I was lonely as a single parent. This is a hundred times worse. And now I’ve dragged my child into it. Do single-parent women sometimes find a great guy and it turns out, well, of course that happens, especially if the person is a Christian. But more chances than not, the child would have been better off. Here’s where I’m going to lose friends. The child would have been better off had that single-parent mom just become the most stable, godly mom and woman God could make her. And he will meet her needs. He promises it. He will meet the needs of the widow and the orphan.
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Would you agree that she also can look to coaches and uncles and maybe neighbors, but you have to be real careful today because pornography is everywhere. Yes. Child abuse is everywhere. And it really is catch-22 for single parents.
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that’s why i i lean a little bit more and i agree with you completely but i lean a little bit more towards another family or a couple taking those kids so that they actually get to see what a husband and wife raising a family looks like so they see some role models of what it is to be in a home but what i long to say to these these single moms these single women is that somewhere along the line they’ve gotten the idea that being single is synonymous with failure. And it isn’t. It isn’t. Jesus loves them and died for them just exactly the same as he did the married couple. And that doesn’t mean we’re supposed to go out and have children out of wedlock. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that if you find yourself as a single parent, stop letting the enemy convince you that your child’s going to turn out like Ted Bundy because it’s just not true.
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Before you commit yourself to another man, a second husband, if you will. Check him out. Take the time to understand. You know, what were the circumstances of his first marriage not working out? Amen. Does he have any addictive behaviors? If you see that alcohol is a problem with him, run. I mean, don’t walk. Run away from him. Yes. Or abusive behavior of any kind or a police record. You better find that out before you get into another situation. Be sure you’re not creating a worse one, as you said.
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I often say to especially women, if you date someone long enough and you do not sleep with them, they will reveal to you who they are. If you date someone long enough and you do not sleep with them, because once you have sex with somebody, you have blinders on them. There’s an attachment with that person. There’s actual chemical that bonds us and causes us to trust this person.
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Oxytocin is the name of it.
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But if you date them long enough and you really keep your radar up and you keep your eyes open and you introduce them to your mature friends, that person will eventually reveal to you who they are. Believe them.
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I would go so far as to get a background check on them. I just said this yesterday.
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I just said that to somebody yesterday, is get a background check. I know that sounds crazy, but I would do it. If I were single again, it’s not even a question. Because controllers and manipulators and abusers are masterful at hiding that until after the wedding. Masterful.
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And if you’ve got a teenage daughter… be real careful because child abuse comes out of that. Often, not always.
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It really is boys and girls. And I hate to have to tell people that, but it’s really the reality of today. There are some people that will date a single parent to get at their children. And they’re very good at just playing the role until they get themselves into that circumstance. We don’t want to walk around in fear, but yet we have to be realistic.
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If you are Cinderella and you’re thinking that way, you know, you’re just looking for any opportunity to meet this absolutely wonderful guy, you may find him. I pray you will. Yes. But don’t let it blind you. And you better keep your eyes open. I don’t remember who it was, but I’ve quoted it a number of times. Keep your eyes wide open before you’re married and half closed thereafter. And that’s pretty good advice. It is. You’re right. Laura, as we wrap up this program, there’s a question I want to ask about your ministry. Because I I know that you talk primarily to stepmoms, and you’re trying to help them get through a very difficult time in their lives. But there are other groups out there, other demographic groups that may not know about you. What about pastors? Do you get a chance to talk to pastors? Because they’re in a position to really be of help to families, too.
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I would love the opportunity to speak to more pastors. Occasionally I get to do that, but the desire of my heart at this point, after doing this for a while, is that I really could start speaking to leadership, church leadership, pastors, deacons, church leaders, so that they would be able to understand how to minister to stepfamilies in the ways that— Because it’s very different.
SPEAKER 01 :
It is.
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It is radically different. And often because they are not a step family, they minister to them in the same way you would a bio family, a first time marriage. And those practices frequently do not work because the couple is dealing with totally different dynamics. So that would really be a passion for me.
SPEAKER 01 :
Well, Laura, we have had three action-packed interviews on the subject of stepmoms. And I think it could go on for another week or two. You have to get back to other responsibilities. I have loved having you here. You’re very gifted. You really do understand your subject and your issue. Even though you said you’d rather God would have given you— Something else to be an expert in. But we appreciate so much the contribution that you’ve made to the program and to the stepmoms that are out there. We’ve been talking to Laura Petherbridge today and yesterday and the day before. I want to ask you to come back. Would you do that?
SPEAKER 03 :
I would love to come back.
SPEAKER 01 :
You’re working on another book now, aren’t you?
SPEAKER 03 :
Well, that’s in debate. I haven’t decided yet.
SPEAKER 01 :
Well, we won’t press you on that one, but you promised to let us know. I will. I will. And God be with you as you deal with these stepmoms out there that are hurting so badly. And like I said, you’ve made a great contribution, and we hope to see you again.
SPEAKER 03 :
I’d love to come back. Thank you.
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You’ve been listening to Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk and a conversation about the challenges of blessings of stepfamily life, featuring our own Dr. James Dobson and his guest, Laura Petherbridge. Laura’s honest insights remind us that while blending families is never easy, step-parents can develop meaningful relationships with their stepchildren through patience, understanding, and proper boundaries. As a step-parent myself, I especially appreciate Laura’s message to single parents who feel pressured to remarry. especially her reminder that God can meet the needs of single-parent families and that rushing into a new marriage often creates more problems than it solves. And having been through that season, I can attest to that as well. Whether you’re currently in a stepfamily, considering remarriage, or you simply want to better understand these complex dynamics, today’s conversation has been filled with practical wisdom rooted in biblical truth. Thank you. Thank you. Speaking of resources for families, we are excited to offer Dr. James Dobson and his wife Shirley’s beloved devotional, Nightlight for Parents. This daily devotional is filled with encouraging insights and practical wisdom drawn from the Dobsons’ more than four decades of family ministry experience. Whether you’re raising young children or teenagers, married or single, this resource provides heartwarming stories, biblical truth, and practical parenting advice that has guided countless families through the challenges of raising children in today’s world. Now, we’ll be happy to send you a copy of the book, Nightlight for Parents, as our way of thanking you for your tax-deductible donation of any amount Dr. James Dobson, Jr. And just as stepfamilies need special guidance and support, you know, when you think about it, every parent needs encouragement along their parenting journey. And programs like the one you heard today are made possible through the generous support of friends like you who believe in this mission. Your donation of any amount helps us continue providing trusted, biblically-based advice to families like yours and to parents facing complex situations like those that we discussed on today’s Family Talk broadcast. Now, you can make a secure donation online when you go to drjamesdobson.org. That’s drjamesdobson.org. Or you can send your tax-deductible donation through the U.S. Postal Service. Our ministry mailing address is drjamesdobsonsfamilytalk.org. P.O. Box 39000 Colorado Springs, Colorado. The zip code 80949. Again, that’s Post Office Box 39000 Colorado Springs, Colorado. The zip code 80949. Well, I’m Roger Marsh. And from all of us here at the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute, thanks so much for listening today. Whether you’re part of a traditional family, a step family, or a single parent home, we are here to support you on your journey. Please join us again next time right here for another edition of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk, the voice you trust for the family you love. This has been a presentation of the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute. Hey, everyone. Roger Marsh here for Family Talk. Where can you go to receive support and advice for you and your family? Family Talk interacts with millions of people every day with inspiring advice and tips from Dr. James Dobson on what matters to you the most, whether it’s marriage or parenting or You can be sure our Facebook page will keep you updated with how your family can succeed. Join us each day for the latest broadcast, resources, and inspiration. Nowhere else can you hear a thought of the day from Dr. Dobson, as well as a special message before you say goodnight. Now, you can be sure that every post on our page is created with you and your family in mind. So please take the time to visit us and become part of our online community at facebook.com slash drjamesdobsonsfamilytalk. That’s facebook.com slash drjamesdobsonsfamilytalk.
